The End of a Long Journey
This past week has been the end of a long and hard journey for me and my family. My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer two and a half years ago, and she lost that battle this past Tuesday morning.

I am exhausted. Breast cancer that has moved to the bone is a horrible way to watch a loved one die. It crushes a person...slowly at first and then harshly without mercy. Since January my mom had been in a decline. Two weeks ago she checked into the Cancer Treatment Center for the last time, and last Thursday they sent her to home hospice. It's hard to imagine that in this same month my mom was aware and vibrant in her suffering, and a little over a month ago she held my new baby boy in her arms. Only a few weeks back we celebrated Mother's Day with her. After she checked into the treatment center she would slip in and out of sleep, and once she was home she would only have moments where she could communicate with us...but it seemed that her mind was still with her, only she was unable to find words.

She suffered to the end. Since Saturday she would spend hours moaning. At other times she would try to tell us something, but couldn't. There were many prayers for mercy...that God would relieve her pain and take her home. I don't know why God didn't act on our time...why He didn't answer those prayers. Then finally, on Tuesday morning she weakened, and we were able to be with her when she breathed her last. It was a strangley beautiful moment as I held her hand and peace came over her face. She was almost smiling.

I held her hand and cried for a long time. Letting go is harder than you imagine it will be. We had prayed for this merciful moment. We had prepared ourselves and said goodbye mentally and verbally many times over the course of her illness. But letting go of her hand for the final time was almost impossible.

Now we are left with the emptiness of losing a loved one that can never be filled, the relief of no more suffering, the questions of a 3 year old about where Nana is, and the memories that bring smiles and tears. And we are left with you, our friends near and far who have comforted us. Thanks for that. It's more than you think it is.

For those of you trying to contact me...please don't be offended that I haven't returned your calls or emails. I'll get back with you next week. I'm really tired from the journey. I'll be resting this weekend with my family and remembering the first woman I ever loved.
posted by Jimmy at 9:38 AM | |