Where I've Been and Where I Am
(a long list of apologies, excuses, explanations, and ramblings to follow)
I've been absent. I've been absent from this blog and from a lot of other things lately. I somewhat seriously told a friend the other day that I was taking a sabbatical from people. Unfortunately, some of you have been (rightfully) let down by that...I've left you hanging and haven't fulfilled my commitments to you as friends. You've left messages, and I haven't called you back. You've dropped me emails, and I haven't answered them. Others of you haven't been let down, you just wonder where I've been.

Well...I'm tired, distracted, directionless. For the first time in my life I'm at a loss. It could be that the "cares of this world" that Stephen talks about have got me wrapped up right now. I don't know. I'm frustrated with myself and with God.

Two years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It wasn't caught early enough and it had spread to the bone. She's done pretty well for a couple of years, but now it's tough. She has it all through her bones, and nothing is working at slowing it down much less stopping it. She's in constant pain like her bones are breaking where the cancer is. The truth is that unless God works a miracle, my mom is dying. That's the harsh reality. Things don't get better from here. So, I pray. I'm a child praying all the hopeful prayers you can pray, and all the hopeless prayers you never want to pray for my mom's pain to be relieved.

My mom has had a shitty life. She grew up in a poverty situation. When she was very young she was sexually abused by an uncle, and it's jacked up her self-worth and every relationship she's had with a man ever since. When she did get married, her first husband cheated on her. She divorced him and then married my dad...and it was a rough go for a long time until Christ changed their hearts when I was a teenager. She now has a son (my older brother from her first marriage) who's life is spiraling out of control, and she blames herself for his problems. She's dying of cancer.

She stays here in Tulsa at the treatment center, and lived with us for about a month and slept in the living room (she prefers the couch) of our 1100 square foot house. Her chemo makes her sick at every meal. Her hair is falling out. She's missing her right breast. A tumor has actually fractured her shoulder and may be on the verge of doing the same to her hip.

Where is God in all this? Where in this hell is He?

I work two jobs. I have for the past 5 years. I do it so that my wife can stay home with our children while they are young. But it's starting to wear on me. I don't have time to share a Kingdom life with students outside of class...to go with them to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit those in prison. I often work until 2 am in the morning and have to be at school to teach at 7:30. I've been sick more in the past two years than I had in the previous ten. We don't have any money in the bank. We'll be having our son in two weeks, and we won't be able to pay for the birth...much less afford a vehicle that will have space for three car seats and still have room for Amy and me together. Once the boy arrives, we won't even be able to travel together as a complete family.

I feel like I've been faithful. I left a youth ministry job (where I made $10-$15 thousand more than I do now working two jobs) because I felt God told me to do it. My wife and I have tried to seek God's Kingdom and His will first in our lives. We desire to be faithful and have taken risky steps when we felt we had God's guidance. But nothing seems to be working...and currently there's no still, small voice there to reassure me what the next step is.

And if I see another TV preacher in leather and gold telling me how God blesses the faithful...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm like Saul. Did I somehow miss God, do something to lose His favor? Or is he calling me and I'm not hearing? Everyone thinks I should be a pastor...but what the heck does that mean? I know I have gifts at teaching and speaking...but in what context do I use those? Aren't I pastoring some people now? It would sure be a lot easier to go back into the system. I'd get paid more. I could take trips to conferences, and speak, and write, be an expert....pay my bills. I'm starting to covet and envy others who are still in professional ministry. One guy goes on sabbatical for a month to Europe. Another is getting his PhD.

But then I teach students every day that are jaded and disillusioned by a Christian culture that's more about tshirts, and retreats, and cool bands, and funny speakers, and who's youth group/center/whatever is the best, who's in and who's out, control and image than God's Kingdom. Whose parents have pressured them into thinking that money and achievement are part of the 10 commandments. And I feel helpless at doing anything about it becuase I am jaded and disillusioned, too...and every time I'm honest about that I risk losing one of the jobs that helps pay for my family to eat.

So ultimately, that's where I've been...that's where I am. I've dropped off the planet because I'm looking for someone to stop it and let me take a break. Maranatha or something. I haven't given up. God is still real to me...it's actually His relentles realness that makes all this even more frustrating. I know He's there...that He's here in the midst of this...but why is He hiding?


posted by Jimmy at 9:09 PM | |