Lark News Headlines

Family Boycot Extends to everything
Three years ago, the Molina family sat at their kitchen table and decided to take a moral stand: They would no longer patronize any company which had connection to abortions, homosexual rights, pornography or any other objectionable cause.
This month, the Molinas' decision finally reached its zenith, as their boycott now covers every product on the U.S. market.
"Our lives have narrowed down to a few choice pleasures," says mother Carly, peeling homegrown carrots and trying to put a positive spin on their experience. The children play with splintery wooden toys hewn from a nearby tree by their father, Joe Molina. On the mantle are framed photos of former Christmases, when the children received plush Elmo toys, tricycles and other toddler fare. Those days are no more.
The Molinas used to live like other American families, enjoying television shows, taking yearly flying vacations and participating in local sports.
Now they cannot go to Disneyland or watch ABC News, because ABC supports domestic partnerships. They no longer eat at McDonald's, Burger King or Taco Bell, because those companies have made contributions to candidates which support abortion. Carl's Jr. is out of the question because of their racy television commercials. Even LegoLand is tainted: its corporate headquarters in Denmark supports liberal political causes.


Youth Groups recruit superstar kids

One girl on the front row sinks to her knees and bobs gently up and down, eyes clenched, hands raised. Harbane nods. "That's the move, right there," he says, jotting notes in a small notepad. After service he approaches the 16-year-old girl, asks her a few questions about her lifestyle and then extends a personal invitation to her from another local church which is aggressively seeking new members for its youth group. That church, which Harbane refuses to name, hired him to recruit "superstar" youth group members. After she is gone, he raves about the evening's find. "She's as good a combo as you're going to get," he says. "Does short-term missions trips, volunteers in the junior high mid-week service, a sold-out worshiper. Looks good, talks clean. She's a ten." Over the next few weeks, Harbane will follow up with a welcome packet from the other church, offer to bring her to youth service in a limousine, and talk up the church's college scholarships.

Update:
No one at Liquidthinking wrote this.... they are satirical stories in an www.theonion.com style.

the website is www.larknews.com


posted by riddle at 5:19 AM | |