Healing...

I'm tired. I'm tired of being so angry at church™. It takes up too much of my time. It's not worth it, and I'm ready to just move on. I want to be in that place where I can simply be confused by church™ like an alien confused by local customs.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked with the pastor at the last church where I worked. I felt that this might give me some (ahem) closure. I really didn't expect him to respond to me, I just felt that for integrity's sake I need to tell him about all the anger I have towards his church. So I did. And he listened. And we talked. It was good. We don't see anything eye-to-eye, and that's okay. He at least has heard me voice my feelings, and I understand that we have different pictures of what church should be.

He brought up a good point in our discussion. He said, "You know, you were only here for a year and a half...but you've been angry for over 3 years. Something about that doesn't balance out right. Maybe you're carrying the burden of some of these other guys who have been here." (The church has gone through youth pastors at about 1 per year for the last few years).

I think he's right. I think I do hurt for gifted, passionate, and called individuals who were hurt by a system that didn't allow them to express any of those things. Friends of mine who may never fully recover from their experiences in such a system. I have also seen others abused and manipulated as they tried to follow Christ in the only way they've been instructed...by committing to the local church™. But I think I also have been angry because my time at that church was the finalization of my divorce from church™...a mistress I had spent a large portion of my life serving.

Since I have left professional ministry I have become an orphan. I long for the connection of a larger community of believers. I have some gifts that only make sense to me in that context, but I have not found a way back or forward in the expression of those gifts.

Divorced and orphaned I have been angry at my loss. I have been grieving. I have not yet recovered and I don't know when I will.
posted by Jimmy at 4:40 PM | |