Frustration...

I'm trying to figure out what to do with this yearning that I have for the Kingdom of God. I tried to express my feelings in a group last night and it just resulted in misunderstanding, and I found myself talking too much again. To make matters worse, people began to ask me for permission to speak--a clear sign that I had crossed over into a role that I do not wish to play. I began to slip into that feeling that perhaps I'm doomed to long for this reality I will never see, like Moses unable to enter the Promised Land after he struck the rock.

On one level I'm frustrated because of who I am. I'm a leader...an influencer...a puppet master (as Stephen likes to say)...an instigator. I'm also a teacher and a salesman...I like to share with others and see their eyes come alive with possibilities they hadn't previously considered. I'm a prophet....I get energy either railing against injustice or simply complaining about things I don't like. I'm all of those things. For better or for worse, those descriptions all touch a part of who I am. When I was in church™ I could use/misuse all of those talents. Now that I've been out of church™ for 3 years, I've found that there are parts of me that are unfulfilled. I've ran from using those gifts because I have a fear that my previous training in church™ has somehow tainted me. That for me to embrace those parts of myself again would only result in creating the very thing I no longer wish to be or be a part. So now I feel an emptiness....as if a part of me is missing and I don't know how to get it back.

On another level I believe in the possibility of a community of believers somehow operating as a pocket of the Kingdom of God. More than that, I need that kind of community. I need it for myself, I need it for my family, and I need it for those with whom I share the possibility that such a reality exists. I need a community that has committed together to pursue the Kingdom. A community that has a set of common values that are based in the reality of God's Kingdom. Everyday I teach students that the Good News is that the Kingdom of God arrived in Jesus Christ. The Good News isn't about Heaven or Hell, its about living under the rule of God where people find meaning, value, and healing. Where its okay not to be a slave to the world's system and rules. I teach this to students and see their eyes come alive with the hope that it's true, but then I have nothing to offer them. I have no larger community, movement, group, fellowship, opportunity, experience, etc., which I can share with them as evidence that what I'm telling them is true. So I fear I leave them hanging with an emptiness and a longing which will only result in cynicism, apathy, and--for those who take it really seriously--despair.

I need a community pursuing the Kingdom of God so that my daughters can find reinforcement for the values I hope Amy and I teach them. That they don't have to sell out to the world's ideas of success and meaning. That the values of this world are foreign to us because we are foreigners here. That the idea of being a servant and giving your life away to make the lives of others better is true and right. That they are of extreme value not because of what they can do for God or anyone else, or because of the way they look, or how popular they are--it is simply based upon the fact that they are wonderful to God. I need a community that embraces our alien status so strongly that it helps to make those things a reality for my girls in the midst of this fucked up world.

I need these things and I don't know how to get there. It seems so tangible, but when I try to talk about it the conversation so often goes to various ends on the spectrum of possibility. The extremes being "maybe we should start a church" and "let's not try being a thing"--neither of which sound very comforting to me at this point. "Starting a church" isn't even something I understand anymore, and although I've said the very words before, "not being a thing" is a little naive...every intentional gathering of people is something. Intentional gatherings usually have a common idea or purpose as well as a common language. They are a "thing". (Of course true commonality of idea/purpose/language may just be perceived. Individuals at a gathering may have false assumptions about commonality. I may come to a gathering with a completely different assumption as to why it exists than others at the same gathering. In my experience these false assumptions usually result in break-down of the community, synthesis, or ex-communication of individuals or groups.)

I need fellow-travelers. A group of people who are willing to travel together on a pilgrimage to this place we feel more than know. Who are willing to say "Here are the values we hold true for the sake of our friendship and our journey, here is our common language."

I think all I'm looking for is a community which needs these things with me.

Note: The image of the man in chains is from thalamus.co.uk--Go there to see some great b&w photos.



posted by Jimmy at 12:43 PM | |