Lately I've been thinking about life and death...or more acurately, life in light of death. My mom is fighting against breast cancer that has spread to her bone, and that has probably been the largest factor. I also had a blood test come back two weeks ago that shows an elevated AST liver count. It's only mild and could be nothing, but the hypchondriac in me looks to all the things it could be: hepatitis, liver disaeas, metastic carcinoma, acute kidney failure. Things that aren't too good. So death and life have been on my mind.

I went to camp last week to play guitar for a friend. I just couldn't get this AST test out of my head. I have to wait 2 months for another test, and patience on such a thing drives me crazy. I was wondering and worrying about how serious this thing might be...what ill thing might be going on in my body. While I was setting there stressing, the preacher at the camp looked right over at us (the band was sitting to the side), and said, "Jesus knows what you're going through. He knows the fear you're facing right now...He's felt it too." When he said that it suddenly hit me that I'm 32 and I'll be turning 33 in August. Jesus died when he was around 33 years old...what must it have been like for him to know that his time was coming? Did he worry that he did enough? Did he worry about his loved ones He would leave behind?

I pondered that thought for the next few days. If my time were to come, how would I say goodbye if I had the chance? Would I be at peace? Would I have accomplished God's plans for me? I was having these kinds of thoughts the last night of the camp. I was also recalling things that I felt God has called me to do that I haven't yet accomplished. Did he really call me to those things? If so, I could take comfort that God still has work for me here, and also be encouraged and motivated to get on with it. Right in the middle of thinking about this, the preacher paused in his message, turned towards us again and pointed right at me. "God has called you, " he said, " God has a call on your life....God has a call on your life."

I'm not sure what all of this means. God has spoken to me in some pretty amazing ways to get my attention at times. I know this, if I were to die tomorrow I think I would be at peace, but there are things God has called me to and I need to start making steps of faith in order to make his calling sure. I want to be a part of that Kingdom where the hungry are fed, the homeless sheltered, the broken-hearted comforted. I want to touch lives in ways that matter. That's the life I want to live.


posted by Jimmy at 2:11 PM | |